For the Love of Aphrodisiacs
by Max Koffee
Summary: God made the world on Monday. By Saturday, he realized he forgot to add some humor in it. So, on Sunday, he didn't allow Hikigaya to rest on his bed.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Oregairu. Oregairu is the property of Watari Wataru.**

"—and that's how you solve the problem, Yuigahama-san." Yukinoshita explains as she finishes answering the math problem.

"Thanks, Yukinon! You're like, totally better than Hikki at explaining the work." Yuigahama declares, giving Yukinoshita a big hug.

"That is simply because Hikigaya-kun is not particularly bright in that area." Yukinoshita states as a matter-of-factly.

"Hey, math has nothing to offer me. As long as I can do the basic arithmetic, I'm set. No need for me to know how to solve all these fancy letters and whatnot. Plus, at least I can actually DO my work, Yuigahama" I say, trying to defend myself.

Here I am, on my precious Sunday afternoon, participating in a study group held in Yukinoshita's apartment. Well, maybe _participating_ is the wrong word. More like coerced into it by a certain Yukinoshita, and no it was not the younger one. So, as I reluctantly trudged my way to Yukinoshita's apartment at 10 a.m. and rang the bell, I was met with an open door and surprised faces. It seems that Yuigahama and the younger Yukinoshita were not aware that I was going to arrive. _That witch!_ I thought. So as I stood there awkwardly after giving out my legendary greeting, the conversation went a little like this:

"H-hikigaya-kun, I wasn't aware that you'd be coming over today." Yukinoshita says, giving me a questionable look.

"Yeah Hikki, what are you doing here?"

"Ummm… your sister told me you were having a study group and you wanted me to be there." I answered, looking at Yukinoshita inquisitively.

"Ahhh… Nee-san said that. Always meddling." She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"This seems to be a misunderstanding, so I'll be heading back now." I offered as I turned around to leave. _Yes! Now I can go back to my cozy bed and dream of rainbows and Max Coffee._

"Wait." I hear behind me. So, I turn around. "Since you're already here, you might as well come in." Yukinoshita says, opening the door wider for me to come in.

 _No. I can't let this be. My bed is waiting for me. For me to leave her and be in the company of others would be an affair. AN AFFAIR!_

"NO! I mean no, I couldn't just barge in on your study group like this." I say, doing my damnest to excuse myself from this.

 _Girls, please… just let me go home. I have a little sister waiting for me._

"Mou, Hikki. Don't be like that. You know you're not a bother, so just come on in." Yuigahama insists, grabbing my arm and forcefully dragging me in to the apartment.

 _You're right, Yuigahama. I may not be a bother, but you sure as hell are. What did I do to you to receive such a lethal blow to my bi-weekly recovery sessions?_

With a sigh of accepting my loss, I quit struggling as I let Yuigahama pull me into the living room. The apartment was as large as a remembered, definitely larger than the needs of a single resident. As I came in, I noticed that both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama donned on pajamas, Yukinoshita's obviously being Pan-san branded. Furthermore, as I entered the living-room, where the "study group" was supposed to occur, all I found was an array of snacks scattered on the table, tea, and a movie playing on the large T.V. (Pan-san, obviously). With a large blanket and a bunch of pillows on the couch, this seemed less like a setting for a study-group and more like a…

"Did you guys have a sleepover or something?" I blurt out.

I heard an intake of breaths and I looked besides me to see the girls with their heads down, biting their lips, and wearing a guilty look on their face.

 _Great, now they think I'm hurt because I wasn't invited._

"Look, I'm not mad because you guys didn't invite me. It was honestly just a question, because this doesn't seem like a productive environment for studying." I clarify.

"A-ahh yes, Yuigahama did stay over last night. And we were just about to start studying after analyzing the characteristics of the new Pan-san film. I suppose that could wait, though. Please take a seat, I'll clean up and get some tea ready." Yukinoshita stammered out as she began to put things away.

So, I sat there as Yukinoshita and Yuigahama cleaned up, went into Yukinoshita's room, and came out wearing more casual clothing. Yuigahama had on a pair of jeans and a yellow t-shirt, while Yukinoshita wore a red skirt with a tucked in, black-and-white striped t-shirt. After that, we all sat down around a table in front of the couch and hit the books.

Fast forward a couple hours, and here I am.

"Yukinon! My head hurts. We've been studying for 4 hours! Can't we take a break already?" Yuigahama whined. She even used the puppy-eyes.

Has it been 4 hours? Huh. Time really does go fast when you're having... wait. This isn't fun.

"You can have you're break as soon as you can replicate how I solved this problem." Yukinoshita won't budge. I guess it makes sense that Yukinoshita is a real stickler for studying.

"Aww, cmon Yukinon. Pleaaaaase! Pretty please with cherry on t-no, pretty please with Pan-san on top?!" Yuigahama endeavors.

 _Come on, Yuigahama, you can't possibly think that that'd wor-_

"Well, if you put it that way…" Yukinoshita casually submits, blushing a bit.

Huh? What? Did that really just happen? Man, puppy-eyes and Pan-san make a devastating combination. It just turned the Ice Queen into the Springtime Herald of Love.

"…Really?" I silently question as I watch as Yukinoshita melts under the warmth of Yuigahama's hugs and cheek-rubbing.

When the yuri-act was over (because they "caught" me "ogling" at them), we had a small snack and watched a few cat videos (naturally) on the internet before getting back to studying. I have to say, having Yukinoshita there to answer all my questions, albeit condescendingly, really helped me make a headway on my work. After about an hour or so, Yuigahama got up to answer a call in another room. She came back with a disappointing look on her face.

"Sorry guys, my mom said I need to get home now. My parents are going out this evening and she wants me to watch the house." She mutters, dispirited.

"Worry not, Yuigahama-san. You can come sleep over again soon. So cheer up." Yukinoshita tries to cajole.

"Ohhhh Yukinon! I'm gonna miss you!" Yuigahama wails as she dives for a hug.

"There, there. We'll see each other Monday at school." Yukinoshita coaxes as she soothingly runs her fingers through Yuigahama's hair.

"I guess you're right. Okay. See you on Monday then, Yukinoshita. See you too, Hikki." Yuigahama sniffs as she gets off of Yukinoshita and goes to wear her shoe.

"Yeah, see ya, Yuigahama." I offer.

Yukinoshita follows her to the shoe area and stands before her as Yuigahama opens the door to leave.

"Make sure to call me when you get home." Yukinoshita demands sternly.

"I will." Yuigahama gives one last goodbye.

Yukinoshita's expression softens as she waves back.

Now that I think about it, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama are totally like mother and daughter. What the hell.

After Yuigahama leaves, Yukinoshita makes her way back to the living room.

"Jesus, that was dramatic as all hell." I state my opinion.

Yukinoshita turned bright red.

"O-oh, that? No, we don't do that often. In fact, this usually never happens." She says, but she doesn't look me in the eye.

"Riiiiight. Well, anyways, it's about time for me to take my leave as well. So if you'll excu-" I begin to say.

 _DING DONG_

"Did Yuigahama forget something?" Yukinoshita mutters to herself as she gets up to answer the door. I gather my books and follow her, as I am about to depart as well.

As she opens her door, we were not met with a pink-haired, bubbly girl with a Chinese-styled bun. Instead, we were greeted with the sight of a mischievous-grinned, scheming girl with plans that's always two steps ahead of me. It was not Yuigahama Yui. It was Yukinoshita Haruno, the cause of my destroyed weekend time of bliss.

"You…" I accuse.

"Me." She confirms.

"What?" The younger Yukinoshita asks.

"Its… its nothing. Anyways, I'll be on my way now." I decide not to brief the younger Yukinoshita of the subtle threats I faced if I didn't listen to her sister and come here today. Instead, I think I'll just go home.

"Oh noooo. We can't have you leaving already!" Haruno insists. She then grabs my hand and pulls it dangerously close to her bouncy-ful… I mean bountiful bosom. So close, in fact, that I would not be able to move it in anyway without being branded a sex offender.

"Why don't we have a little chat at the couch." She continues playfully. With all my escapes blocked by a single move on her part, I had no choice but to follow Haruno to the couch to sit down.

Yukinoshita followed quietly behind, uncharacteristically quiet. I tried to shoot her a look for her to get me out of the situation, but she was more focused on how close my hands were to her sister's breasts.

 _Great. Now there's no way I'm going home today without having a visit at the police station first._

"So, Hikigaya-kun, what are you and my cute Yukino-chan doing alone in her apartment, unsupervised. Don't tell me…" She puts her hand over her mouth, but not before revealing the smirk on her face.

"Nee-san, this was just a study group. You should know, as you are the one who took it upon yourself to invite Hikigaya-kun. Yuigahama just left, not even five minutes ago. To assume that something "happened" would be too presumptuous. Surely you agree." Yukinoshita quickly interjects.

"Mouuuu, Yukino-chan, don't be like that! I was just having a bit of fun with Hikigaya-kun. After all, I want to get along with my future brother-in-law! Hahaha!" Haruno gushed as she laughed.

"NEE-SAN!" Yukinoshita exclaims getting up from her seat, flustered and red.

"Haha, okay, okay. I'll stop. Boy, all this laughing has made me thirsty. I'll go make us some tea. I even got a secret new blend." She waves a small package around, which she recovered from her purse.

As she made her way to the kitchen and started heating up some water, Yukinoshita and I remained where we were.

"Why is she here?" I whispered.

"I do not know. From my knowledge, she's supposed to be at Tokyo today with my father." Yukinoshita whispered back.

"Now, now. What are you two love birds whispering to each other? Sweet nothings?" Haruno snickered from the kitchen. After that, we both remained silent.

After a while, Haruno came back with a tray with two tea cups. She served both me and Yukinoshita our own individual cup.

"Where's your cup? Didn't you say you were thirsty?" I asked Haruno. She ignored me and motioned her hand for me to have a sip. And so, I did.

It tasted heavenly. Not too bitter, not too sweet. A touch of citrus, but not too much. It tasted round in my mouth, filling my body with a feeling of warmth. Truly a high-quality tea blend. Yukinoshita-tier indeed.

By the time I looked down at my teacup again, it was nearly empty. Sigh. I suppose I must give credit where credit is due...

"The tea… it was pretty good." I mutter my compliment.

"Well I'm glad you liked it!" Haruno laughs as she smacks me on the back. "And to answer your question from earlier, I already had a sip of tea to quench my thirst. Specifically, from YOUR teacup." She impishly remarks.

I nearly drop my teacup on the floor, which would certainly have led to it being shattered. So, although I was quick enough to catch my teacup, another teacup-holder was not. Namely Yukinoshita Yukino. As the noise of china breaking erupted in the room, I jerked my head towards Yukinoshita, only to find her with her head facing down and her hair draping her face.

"Well, this is my cue to leave. Just a heads up, Hikigaya, I may or may not have laced Yukino-chan's tea with something _special_ , so take good care of her. And remember to take me out for tea the next time we meet." Haruno winks at me and scurries out the apartment before I can even formulate a thought.

Confused and scared by Haruno's words, I rush towards Yukinoshita and lift her head so I can see her face. She was as red as a tomato, cheeks glowing, eyes glazed, and face radiating heat. I put my hand on her forehead, and sure enough, she was burning up.

 _Oh god, did Haruno really poison her? Did the family decide that Haruno didn't need a back-up anymore? Would Haruno really go that far?_

I decided to call the ambulance and tried to pull my hand away to grab the phone. Key word. Tried.

As it turns out, Yukinoshita grabbed hold of my hand and pulled it, almost making me topple and fall onto her.

"Oh no you don't, Hachi. You're not getting away from me, not this time. I won't let you chase after Nee-san, or any other girls. Hachi-kun doesn't need other girls. Hachi-kun just needs to look at me!" Yukinoshita rambles, her head lulling side to side, as if unable to stay stable.

"Yukinoshita, you don't know what you're saying. You're sick. Your sister put something in your drink. You're not in the right state of mind." I try to reason.

"Nonsense. I feel fine. Better than I've felt in a long time. I don't feel sick at all, just watch." She lets go and attempts to stand up. Almost as soon as she gets up, she loses strength and collapses against me.

"Ummm, Yukinoshita, I really think we should get you to a hospital." I say trying not to concentrate on the fact that Yukinoshita was pressing against me. Even if she wasn't as busty as her sister, in such close quarters, her curves are definitely more accentuated.

"I know what you're trying to do, Hachi. You're trying to ditch me at the hospital so that you can rendezvous with another girl. Well I won't let you. I REFUSE." Yukinoshita declared.

"Again, woman. What are you talking about?! You are sick. You aren't thinking straight! We need to get you to a hospital right NOW!" I exclaim. I was getting more confused by the second. What is this about me belonging to her? We aren't even _friends_ yet, she rejected me each time I asked!

"-Sniff- I understand. You like women with big breasts, don't you, Hachi? I saw how you leered at Nee-san's breast and how you didn't stop when Yuigahama pulled you in. You just can't say no to big breasts! Admit it!" Yukinoshita cried. Tears were forming in her eyes. I had to defuse the situation, fast.

"It's not like that, Yukinoshita. Big breasts are NOT superior. In fact, I daresay that smaller breasts make girls appear cuter." Yukinoshita was listening intently, her head nodding as I pointed out the positives of smaller breasts. "After all, Komachi has small breasts and she's still the cutest in the world."

Uh-oh. Wrong choice of words.

"I can understand you saying that I have an inferior chest to Nee-san or Yuigahama-san, but to even place me below Komacho-san, that's… well, that's just unforgivable." She glares accusingly as she pushes me on the sofa. Huh? When did she regain her strength?

She places one knee between my legs and puts both her hands on either side of my head. With my back touching the couch and my front gated by Yukinoshita, my escapes were essentially cut off. Again.

"You know, Hachi, I've waited a long time for you to grow a pair and ask me out for some coffee. Perhaps a date. This is far off from reality, but I was even hoping that you'd skip straight to marriage. But I now see how hopeless you are. You have the denseness of one of those harem light novels you read. As such, I've now taken liberty of claiming you as mine. If you won't choose me on your own, I'll MAKE you choose me." Yukinoshita asserts. She gives a seductive smile as she licks her lips.

Yukinoshita has definitely lost it now. She's pouring all these feelings over me, and now I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should be happy that a cute girl like Yukinoshita has feelings for me, or if I should fear for my life. But what I do know is that the Yukinoshita I know wouldn't want things to be like this. The one thing I do know is that even if there is a fragment of the former Yukinoshita in the former one, she will listen to reason.

"Yukinoshita, hear me out. It's obvious to both of us that you're not thinking straight right now. So, I propose we talk about this when your normal. How does that sound?" I request.

"Hmmm…" Yukinoshita removes her hands from both sides of my head, but keeps her foot between my legs, still effectively pinning me down to my seat. "Okay, only if you call me call me by my first name." She decides with eyes of determination.

"A-alright. Y-y-Yukino." I stutter out.

"A-and you have to call me the c-cutest in the world." She stammersout , with a deep blush on her face.

"What? You're asking me to lie? I refuse!" _Everyone knows that that's Komachi's title!_

"Do it." She growls.

"H-hai! Y-yukino, you're the c-cutest in… in the world." I struggle to get the words out, already knowing that I betrayed the one truth I knew in my life.

"That's better." She claims as she removes herself from locking me in place, and instead opting to sit right beside me.

And so we sat there for a while. In silence. The only sound was of her fidgeting next to me, as if forcing herself from doing anything more.

Eventually, the silence became unbearable. I had to break this awkward silence.

"So… how did you come to… you know… like me?" I say as I glance at her.

"I guess it was after our first request, when we were helping Yuigahama-san make cookies. The way you solved the case with such ease, I knew you'd be reliable. After that, you went out of your way to help others on their request, risking everything which led to many bad rumors being made about you." She smiles, as if remembering a fond memory. "But still, you didn't relent. You continued to assist those in need of help. My admiration turned to attraction. Eventually, as it became clear that you were someone I could rely on, and after you promised to save me one day, that attraction turned into love."

 _I… I don't know what to say. Could it be…?_

"Yukino… what…. What does this mean." I ask, hopeless as always.

"Silly Hachi… I'm saying that I love you." She confirms with a warm smile.

My mind just goes blank. I knew what it could mean. I saw the possible connections from earlier. But still, no thoughts came to mind. I could not concoct a response. I could not express my glee. My brain was malfunctioning, so my mouth went on auto-response.

"Yukinoshita… that's gay." Right after I said it, I knew exactly how the Apollo 6 felt as it crashed back down to base as soon as it took off.

My eyes widened. Her eyes widened. I was scared. She looked appalled. I ran out the apartment. She stayed where she was.

Nothing today was going my way. And the one thing that finally did, well I totally blew that.

I ran and ran, and ran a bit more until I finally reached my house. Without even greeting Komachi, I rushed to my room to contemplate just how bad I messed up. So far, things aren't looking good, doc.

In the middle of my depressing recount of the day, I felt a vibration in my pocket, indicating that I got a text. I carefully opened it up and saw that it was from Haruno.

 **From: Haruno Yukinoshita**

 **Hey, future brother-in-law-kun! How did you like my surprise? I hope that bit of aphrodisiac helped set the mood. But you better have used rubber! I'm not ready to be an auntie just yet. (** **ω** **;)**

 _What?! Aphrodisiac?! Good lord, what was this woman thinking. Giving aphrodisiac to a straight-laced woman like Yukino? No wonder she was so derailed._

I was about to call Haruno to give her a piece of my mind, until I got another text. This time from… Yukino.

 **From: Yukino Yukinoshita**

 **Hikigaya-kun, I request a meeting with you at your earliest convenience. Preferably early Monday morning in the clubroom. We need to… talk.**

After reading the message, I realized what it meant. It's simple really. She's going to kill me. I'm going to die.

With that realization, I fainted.

. . . . . . . .

It's Monday morning now. I'm walking down the school hall, watching the beautiful day bring in more and more students through the gate. The sun is shining, the weather is great. Students are living up the best years of their life, their high school career, in a productive fashion. Life is truly wonderful.

I just wish I was a part of that beauty. Instead, I am an acting death row inmate walking to his execution site, the Service Club. As I get closer and closer to the club room, my walk slowly turns into feet trudging against the floor. _I don't want to die._

I reach the clubroom door, many years too soon. I slide it open. There, I see Yukino facing the window and with her back towards me. Silently making amends for all my sins and praying for a better life next time, I step inside and slide the door. With this as her cue, Yukinoshita begins to turn. I brace myself for the next few moments.

As the end draws near, I can hear the Bard of Heaven reciting a poem.

 _Roses are red_

 _Violets are blue_

 _Omae Wa Mou_

 _Shindeiru*_

There was only one thought going through my mind as Yukinoshita faced me and prepared to tell me my fate.

 _F**KING BARDS!_

 **Author's Note**

EYYYY! What's up guys, how's it going?

I know I already explained it before, by I'm a procrastinating little bitch, so forgive me for slow updates.

Aside from that, it's my senior year at high school and I'm juggling between college apps, school, and my hobbies.

Onto the story: watcha think? I decided to make a one-shot and this came to mind. I personally don't hate it, but I know it could use some work. And sorry for the corny jokes. And expect my next update to be another one-shot.

As always, thanks for the likes, favorites, reviews, and suggestions. I honestly love reading reviews. Keeps me motivated, even if they are criticisms.

Let's power through the school year, bois.

BTW: * means you're already dead.

Until next time


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